So Anyways

WTF?

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that I thought was pretty funny:

Pretty much says it all, don't you think?

The Greatest American?

I forced Ed to watch the Discovery Channel series, The Greatest American, over the last few weeks. They started out with a list of the 100 greatest Americans, then viewers narrowed that list down to the top 25, then the top 5, and finally to the single greatest American.

If you didn't see the show, you didn't miss much. It was way cheesy - especially for a show on the Discovery Channel hosted by Matt Lauer.

But, as cheesy as it was, it was kind of fun to see the list of great Americans, put them in order in your own mind, and see how your list compared to the list as chosen by the viewers. I had a feeling mine would definitely not agree with the viewers' list, and boy, was I right.

The top 5 greatest Americans according to the viewers:

#5 - Benjamin Franklin
#4 - George Washington
#3 - Martin Luther King
#2 - Abraham Lincoln

and...

Are you ready for this?

The #1 greatest American in the history of the country was...

Ronald Reagan!

Excuse me, but...huh? My feelings for Reagan softened a lot after his death. I no longer despise the guy. In fact, I think he accomplished a few good things (although I stop short of agreeing with Ann Coulter, who proclaimed in one of the GA shows that "Iran-Contra" was the greatest accomplishment of Reagan's presidency...").

He was at most an "OK" president. Maybe even a "good" president, if you're from Jesusland. But to call him not only the greatest president, but the greatest person in the history of the country? Give me a break.

Even among just presidents, there's no way Ronnie would qualify as one of the 5 greatest. He didn't win the Revolutionary War against incredible odds; he didn't preserve the union and abolish slavery during the worst conflict in American history; he didn't guide the country through a Great Depression or a World War; he wasn't one of the Founding Fathers who crafted the form of government and stood up to foreign powers in the name of independence and freedom. Sure, you can credit him for helping to end the Cold War, but really, in comparison to the hell those other great presidents lived (and guided the country) through, Reagan's greatness is really not all that "great."

Oh, and don't get me started on the whole "Oprah Winfrey is the 9th greatest American, just ahead of FDR" thing...

Hot Toddy

It's always easy to tell when I can't think of anything to write about - I either just don't write, or I write about the weather. Well, lucky for you, I decided to write this time. About the weather. Woo hoo! I know how excited that makes you.

The thing is, the weather in Phoenix, like in most places probably, is b-o-r-i-n-g most of the time. It's usually fairly dry, warm, and repetitive. And that's the case at this time of year as well - just intensely so. Intensely, insanely hot.

So far this week, the high temps have been in the 110-115 degree range and even the nighttime temperatures haven't been all that cool - usually in the high 80's to low 90's. One day this week, it was 93 degrees as I pulled in to work at 6:30am. You know it's gonna be a hot day when it's 93 degrees practically before the sun even comes up.

As usual, all that heat has resulted in some massive wildfires burning around the state - this year mostly in the desert regions surrounding the city. In fact, several people are out of the office this afternoon since they live in areas that are threatened by wildfires and they're expecting that they may have to evacuate at any moment.

I know that by living in Phoenix, you kind of lose the right to complain about the weather. I mean, everyone knows it's hot here and most of us who live here are doing so by choice. Complaining about the heat here is kind of like complaining about the rain in Seattle. If you don't like it, don't move here.

But still, it's just damn hot. It's really weird how hot it is - it's not like the oppressive heat and humidity combination that a lot of places get in the summer. At least when we sweat here, the sweat actually evaporates. The thing is, though, when it gets well over 110 degrees, it starts to actually hurt a little. I call it "face-melter" weather because it just feels like if you're out in it too long, your face is going to start melting and dripping off. That's never actually happened that I know of, but I swear it's a possibility when it gets so hot.

The one bright spot - men tend to wear less this time of year. And that can only be a good thing.

My "Starbucks" Name

Awhile back, I wrote a post about how difficult it can be to live with the name of "Todd." I had another experience this week (the same experience happens all the time) that reminded me why I hate my name sometimes.

I visited one of my favorite fast-food restaurants for lunch (their Pollo Bowls are yummy and even relatively healthy) yesterday and had what has unfortunately become the standard experience:

I order my Pollo Bowl, pay my money, and grit my teeth because I know what's coming next. They ask for my name. They like to avoid assigning numbers, apparently, so as to be a little more personal. Nothing wrong with that except for the fact that I can never manage to enunciate my name clearly enough for them to get it.

They always end up butchering it and then, when my order is ready, they yell out, "Tood (or Tom or Ted or the one I hate the worst, Tad), your order is ready!"

I don't know what it is, but the name "Todd" just doesn't carry well, especially when the ambient noise level is pretty high. It comes out sounding like "tah". It also probably doesn't help matters that the workers are generally not primarily English speakers, which makes the name sound even more confusing to them.

I've decided that I need to come up with my own "Starbucks" name. Grace, on Will and Grace, this season had a cup of Starbucks coffee with someone else's name written on it (I'll just say it was "Priscilla" for now since I can't remember exactly what it was). When questioned about why her Starbucks cup had the name "Priscilla" on it, Grace replied that "Priscilla" was her Starbucks' name. Like, it was cool to use a fake name at Starbucks.

While I don't think "Priscilla" is particularly appropriate in this case, I'm trying to decide what name I should use in the future to avoid the whole "Todd" aggravation. I have a friend who always uses the name "Kennedy" even though his real name is "Marty" (which isn't even hard to enunciate or difficult to hear), so that's out. I'm thinking maybe "Jason" will work. That's fairly easy to enunciate clearly and most guys named Jason are hot. So, I'd feel good about it.

Outed by iPod

I've never come out to my family. (I know, I know. There's really no excuse for that, so let the flogging begin.) It's not that I'm particularly worried about their reaction, but it's just never seemed like something that was necessary.

I'm sure they all "know" anyway. I'm a 41-year old, never-married, guy who hasn't had a girlfriend since college and is living with another guy. If that doesn't set off alarms in anyone's mind, I don't know what would.

So my sister was in town this weekend, and although I think she'd be the most understanding of everyone in the family, I've never wanted to have The Talk with her. I almost had to this weekend, though.

I started showing my new iPod to her, and she immediately wanted to check it out. She grabbed it out of my hands and said, "Oh cool! You can tell so much about a person from their iPod!" Uh-oh.

She started scrolling through the song list, and I kid you not, the first three songs (with shuffle mode turned on!) she heard were something from the original cast recording of Chicago, "Believe" by Cher, and "Dancing Queen" from the Priscilla, Queen of the Desert soundtrack.

Much to my surprise, she didn't say anything, although her eyes couldn't hide that momentary thought flittering through her head - "my big brother's a big homo and this just proves it."

I never knew that iPods had minds of their own, but I'm pretty sure mine does. Nothing else can explain why 3 gay anthems played before any of the other approximately 1270 normal songs.

Dancing Queen

Update:  Thanks to Scott-o-Rama for the graphic (which doesn't help with my disturbing mental image, by the way!)

The mental image of Queen Elizabeth, wearing the little white ear buds, rocking out with her new iPod is going to haunt me the rest of the day.

I do like the suggestions for her playlist - "Dancing Queen" and "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." 

I'm just hoping she doesn't download "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce. Watching the queen sing along to these lyrics would just not be pretty:

I'm feelin sexy
I wanna hear you say my name boy
If you can reach me
You can feel my burning flame

I'm feelin kind of n-a-s-t-y
I might just take you home with me
Baby the minute i feel your energy
Your vibe's just taken over me
Start feelin so crazy babe
I feel the funk coming over me
I don't know what's gotten into me
The rhythm's got me feelin so crazy babe

Tonight i'll be your naughty girl
I'm callin all my girls
We're gonna turn this party out
I know you want my body
Tonight i'll be your naughty girl
I'm callin all my girls

Bitter as Folk

Is it just me, or is Mel on Queer as Folk just a complete, raving lunatic this season? (Or, am I even the only person still even watching the show?)

It's almost gotten to the point where I laugh anytime she's in a scene. I mean, just how pissy can one person be and for how long?

I suppose she has a right to be grumpy since her lovah' bedded a man sometime last season (seems like eons ago to me), but come on. It's not like she was sleeping around with every lesbian in Philadelphia. She got the urge for a little man action, and she let her urges get the better of her. Big deal. Get over it and move on.

Even if she's justified in holding a mondo grudge over Lindsay's one-time weakness, would any sane person really break up a home and a family over it?  Maybe I'd react the same way if the issue ever came up, but I can't imagine I'd hold a power grudge like Mel has. (Note to Ed: don't test me!) :)

I don't think she's said a friendly word to anyone all season. Every. Single. Thing. Out. Of. Her. Mouth. is vile and bitter and hate-filled. It's just laughable at this point.

Not that I watch QAF for anything other than a good dose of naked Brian and Justin, but still. It'd be nice if it had even a hint of realism.

Buy High, Sell Low?

There's one thing that I truly suck at doing, and it worries me. OK, I suck at plenty of things, including hitting, throwing, or dribbling a ball of any kind, writing, and communicating effectively, but this particular skill is one that can have a serious impact on my future.

The skill? Predicting the stock market. Unfortunately, that's a skill that is seriously important for a lot of people anymore, especially considering that company-sponsored pension plans are well on their way to extinction and Social Security is in "crisis". Pretty much my entire retirement is in my hands. I can and do invest as much as I can in a 401(k) plan - for the most part, blindly putting money into a few index funds and crossing my fingers hoping that the money will grow like a weed.

But I've also made a few attempts over the years to invest some money in a few stocks just on my own. I've never put too much money into stocks, but I'd like to think that I could supplement my retirement by doing so. It's not working out all that well, though.

I had an opportunity a few years ago to invest in my company's stock at the IPO price. Since that occurred just before the tech bubble burst, I put as much money into the stock as I thought I could reasonably afford then sat back and expected to become a gazillionaire in a week or two.

Believe it or not, that never quite happened. As a matter of fact, by the time the mandatory holding period had ended, and I was free to actually sell or trade my shares, they were only worth a fraction of their original value. So, I breathed a heavy sigh and figured I'd just sit on the stock until it bounced back. It's never even come close to bouncing all the way back, but it has bounced around a few times at values high enough to make me consider selling, taking my money (and my tax write off), and doing something more sane with the money.

The only problem is that I can't ever figure out when the price is at a short-term peak value. I watch the stock price everyday, and I get excited when I see it move substantially up over some time period. I start thinking about selling it, I get this close to actually doing so, and then it plummets even faster than it went up. Once it begins to plummet, I lose all interest in selling since I then know that I'll be losing even more money than I would have had I sold it a few days earlier. I sit back again and swear that the next time it spikes, I'm selling no matter what.

The only problem is, I never do actually sell.

Probably someday when I'm 85 years old, I'll still be watching the stock price and still cursing myself out because I missed yet another opportunity to sell. The stock market is apparently not for indecisive people. Or is it? I really can't decide.

House of Cards

I'm officially old and grumpy, I guess, but I'm just absolutely sick of buying and sending greeting cards every few weeks. It's not that I don't love and cherish those that I'm sending the cards to, but I'm starting to really resent the obligation.

I really do hope that my dad will have a happy Father's Day this weekend, and I'm sure I'll do something to help ensure that he at least knows I'm thinking of him. I did the same for my mom last month for Mother's Day. And, I try to call the family on their birthdays. I don't mind that.

What I do mind, though, is this feeling that no matter what else I do, if I don't send a dumb card, I'm being a bad son/brother/whatever. It's not that my family gives me a big guilt trip about it (because I always send a card), but I'm just afraid what would happen if I ever missed sending one.

I'm beginning to have nightmares that this huge older woman with a fake smile and a wig, smelling as if she bathed in perfume, and wearing a Hallmark name tag will appear out of nowhere and haunt me for the rest of my life if I miss an opportunity/obligation to send a card. She'll remind me constantly that I should buy a card for this or that occasion, but I'll be able to tell that her fake sweet smile is just hiding her disdain for me and if I listen closely enough, I'll hear her cackling an evil laugh under her breath as she offers me a "gold star" to seal the card envelope with.

I know I'm probably being overly caustic, but I just don't think that greeting cards are worth all the hassle. It seems that I'm buying one every other week, and in the process I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing besides keeping Hallmark happy- well, that and keeping the old Hallmark woman/apparition out of my head. I guess that's worth something.

Mean Dean

I apologize again (I know that's about all I've done lately) for not blogging much. I've had a hard time readjusting to life in the fast lane after our vacation, and blogging is the first thing to go out the window when I get overwhelmed. I think I'm starting to return to some kind of normalcy, though. Now if I can just squeeze out some blog entries, maybe I can get back into the groove...

I've been kind of fascinated in the past few days to hear all of the controversy that Howard Dean has stirred up with his "off-the-cuff" comments about Republicans. Anyone who would be surprised that Dean would let loose with some jaw-droppers obviously didn't pay much attention to the last presidential campaign.

Maybe he's not setting the right tone for the party, but I have to say, I'm kind of happy to see someone stirring things up a bit and being aggressive for a change. Sure, he may have offended some people, but it's hard to argue that he was wrong when he said, "they (Republicans) are not very friendly to different kinds of people, they are a pretty monolithic party ... it's pretty much a white, Christian party."

Ken Mehlman, the Republican party chairman, replied that plenty of people who attended his Bar Mitzvah would be surprised that he heads a Christian party. OK, fine. Perhaps Dean should've said that it's "pretty much a white, Judeo-Christian party" instead of limiting it to just the Christians. But the point is the same. The Republican party is the party of conservative intolerance. It's definitely not friendly to different kinds of people outside of whatever it is they have defined as that very narrow slice of "normal" America.

Not so surprisingly, our ever-so lovable VP, Dick Cheney, joined the whine-fest over Dean's comments: "I've never been able to understand his appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does. He's never won anything, as best I can tell."

OK, Dick. But, I don't think there are a whole lotta folks out there who really love you either, at least not in the Blue states. You're constantly firing up your "base" with ridiculous rhetoric and criticism of Democrats. Maybe, just maybe, Dean's comments can have the same effect on the Democratic base.

I don't particularly like the fact that either constituency needs that kind of name calling and rhetoric to get fired up, but if that's what it takes to wake the sleeping giant Democratic base, then I say go for it.

This Week's TV

It's late on Friday and I have to post something, but I can't think of much to talk about. So, as if anyone cares, here's my list of what we watched on TV this week:

• The Gayest Thing I Watched: Rob and Amber Get Married - I just love Rob and Amber, from Survivor and Amazing Race fame. Rob is kind of hot for a straight guy even though he's managed to put on a few pounds since his Survivor days. I think it's his smartass attitude that I really like, and he and Amber seem to really be a good couple. Since they're some of my all-time favorite Reality TV stars, I thought we should watch their wedding on TV. But as I was sitting there watching it, I quickly came to the conclusion that this has got to be proof, in case anyone needed it, that I'm a big ol' queen. What straight guy would spend 2 hours watching a wedding on TV?
• The Worst, But Most Fun, Reality Show I Watched: Hit Me Baby One More Time - This show was just plain awful. It was obviously meant to be cheesy in a big way, with old washed-up acts "competing" against each other by singing their biggest hit and a cover of a current song. Loverboy, A Flock of Seagulls, CeCe Penniston, Tiffany, and Arrested Development performed last night and pretty much proved the theory that no matter how hot you might be when you're young, you just get fat and bald and lose any ability to sing when you get old. It was so bad, it was fun.
• The Best Season Finale I Watched: Lost - We finally caught the season finale this week, thanks to TiVo. While it may not have quite lived up to its billing as the most stunning cliffhanger ever in the history of television, I thought it was a very well-done show and I'm sure I'll tune in for the first episode next season to find out what The Others did with Walt, what exactly was in the hatch, and whether Hurley will ever quit using the word "dude".
• The Most Fascinating Show I Watched: Larry King Live with Woodward and Bernstein - I could watch these guys talking about Watergate and Deep Throat for hours and not get bored. It's such a fascinating subject - how a president attempted to protect himself with nearly complete disregard for the law - that even 30 years after it occurred, I get all excited anytime the subject comes up.

Have a great weekend!

I was Deep Throat

I don't know who this "W. Mark Felt" guy thinks he is, claiming to have been Deep Throat of Watergate fame. I was Deep Throat, damnit. Or at least I always thought it would be cool to be that guy.

I may have only been 9 years old at the time that Deep and Bob Woodward were having their clandestine meetings and exchanging information about the Nixon administration and the Watergate cover up. But, I knew more than probably most 9 year olds about the whole ordeal. I probably could have at least carried on an intelligent conversation about the scandal.

I was actually kind of sad yesterday when I heard that the Deep Throat mystery had finally been solved. Kind of like when the Red Sox won the World Series - it's the end of a long era. The fun was in speculating when the era would end and the mystery would be revealed. Actually knowing the answer now seems so anticlimactic.

Now I guess I'll have to turn my attention to who actually killed Vince Foster.